Daddy's 40th day

It has been 40 days since Daddy passed away.  Family and friends have been asking how we are holding up.  Well, there are good days and bad. . .and there are worse.  Until this day, everything seems unreal.  At home, it feels like he is still there. .  just in another room.  

One time, I was at the mall and I suddenly thought of buying hopia (just like I always do) because it is Daddy's favorite snack.  He's going to be happy with his pasalubong!  Then it hit me that Daddy isn't here anymore (physically, that is).  Sometimes, it only takes little things like this to remind me that he is really gone.      

There are days when we remember the things we planned on doing but we weren't able to, the "if onlys", lots of "I wish" and the "what could have beens".  And personally, I had to deal with some "regrets".  All of us have our own way of dealing with the pain, the grief, the loss.  

But there is one thing that we all do. . . we celebrate him everyday.  We talk about him . . .we talk to him!  We remember how he lived his life, how he made us laugh, how he took good care of us. . .how much love he has shown us.

What is life like when you lose someone you love?  

It hurts. . . and it is life changing.

You learn to be strong, to keep the faith (always), you learn to appreciate (more) the people you love and who love you.  You value each day you live and make the most of it.  You learn not to take each day for granted because life can throw you a curve ball and surprise you.

We started going through his personal things and we saw a letter which he sent to us when they went overseas for a trip (when I was 12 years old).  He wrote a message for each of us (my siblings and I). In it, he asked me how my "slimming lessons" are. . . (not swimming. . .slimming!)  and if I lost weight already, hahaha!  Daddyyyy!!! Oh well, some things never change!

Daddy, we miss you everyday.  And I know we are going to miss you and think of you everyday of our lives.  We love you so much! 

And that will never change. 

Missing Daddy

Dearest Daddy,

I couldn't remember when was the last time I wrote a letter to you.  I love writing letters when I was growing up but then my life got busier as I got older that I've stopped doing it.  So here I am, writing one (after a long time) to you because I miss you so much!  Please, please visit me in my dreams.  I miss talking to you.  

It's been four days since we laid you to rest in your new home.  There were lots of family and friends who came to see you for the last time.  The love and support from everyone was overwhelming.  Do you know what was the hardest thing we had to do that day?  It was looking at you for the last time and saying goodbye.  

The thought that I cannot hold or touch you anymore pains me.  One of the things I'll miss most is holding your hands.  Holding them always give me a feeling of being loved and being safe.  They are the hands of a hardworking man yet they're soft and smooth like a woman's.  I wish I was holding them that day you left us.    Now, I can only hold on to the good memories we have shared.  Thank you for giving them to me because they comfort me when I feel heartbroken.

A friend said that we never really overcome the death of a loved one, we just learn how to cope with the loss and the pain.  We are still getting used to not seeing you at home.  It feels strange actually. We are trying to be strong but sometimes we have our "moments" then our emotions get the better of us. 

C (a friend of mine) went to visit me at home the day we buried you.  Just as she was about to leave our house, she told me that she felt your presence (she has a gift) because the hair on her arms and nape rose.  I was sooo happy to hear that because it meant you were with us.  When she told me you were at the pasillo (hallway), I knew it was really you!  C didn't know that part of the house was actually one of your favorite spots.  Oh Daddy!!!   You haven't stopped thinking about us.  Thank you for watching over us.  I know you worry about us but we will be okay.  It is time for you to rest. 

We love you very much  Daddy . . . we miss you and we always think about you everyday.

Love, 
A

The Saddest Day in my Life

These past few days have been . . . heart wrenching to say the least.  I haven't cried this much in my life.  I have been crying so much for the past two days that my eyes have run dry.  But then when I remember that I won't get to see and talk (no more hugs and kisses) to the first man I've loved, the tears just start coming again.

My dad passed away yesterday and it hurts. . . A LOT.  I wasn't ready to let him go.  He passed away just when we got back to LA last Thursday.  It hurts that I wasn't there when it happened.  I had to deal (still do) with so many feelings. . . denial, regrets, guilt.  There's a certain emptiness in my life right now.

So I will be taking a blogging break.. . . but I promise I'll be back.  

To honor my father, I've listed down some blog posts which I've written in the past about him.  He has left so many wonderful memories which makes writing his eulogy a little bit harder.

I hope that through these posts, you get to know a little bit about him. . . this man who taught me valuable lessons in life and who helped me to become the person that I am today.

I miss you Daddy (so bad). . . .I'll be home to see you for the last time.

I love you. . . you will forever live in my heart. 

Our Modern Bahay Kubo

Jaihouse Rock

Lolo's Girl

Happy Birthday Daddy

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Image from www.bhmpics,com

My Father loves, LOVES watching war films.  I guess because he is a frustrated Military man.  Sometimes he would say that he could have been a General by now (and we tell him, OR you could have been dead too!) but he chose to give up a promising Military career because of us.  At that time, his family was growing and he just couldn't imagine being away from us.

He may look strict (he is actually, haha!) but he is also sweet.  He is a disciplinarian and can be a spoiler too. (Yes, he still spoils me sometimes).   I think children never grow up in the eyes of their parents.  He cares for us so much . . .  that sometimes I feel like I'm still in High School, haha!    

Thank you Daddy for giving up something you love just so you can give us everything.

Thank you Daddy for showing me what makes a good husband and a good father.

Thank you for the never ending love and care that you give and show us.

Thank you for EVERYTHING!!!

On your special day, I wish you good health and lots of precious moments in each day that comes.

To the first man I ever loved . . . Happy Birthday Daddy dearest!

Lolo's Girl

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery . . .

We got here one flattered Lolo (means Grandpa) then!

And yes, they really love wearing sunglasses =)

Jailhouse Rock

We went out for a family dinner earlier this evening.  I just finished dressing up the Little One when my dad, her lolo (grandfather), saw what she was wearing:

Lolo: Wala ba siyang black leggings?
        

Me: Meron (I sort of know where this conversation is heading)
       

Lolo: Eh yung dark blue na skinny jeans?  (Oh yes, he may be in his early 70s but he knows what skinny jeans are!  Haha! )

        

Me: Meron din, kaya lang hindi pa niya nasusuot itong leggings na ito eh.

(I know there's something coming!)

Lolo:  Ahhh. . .   Kasi parang taga-Alcatraz siya dyan eh.

Guess this is what he had in mind. . .

Photo from: jailcostume.org

Sorry Dad. . . it may be "Alcatraz" for you  . . . but it's fashion for me!  Haha!

Goodnight everyone, hope your day went well =)

Our Modern Bahay Kubo

I was at the garden and was surprised to see this . . .

Our bahay kubo (nipa hut) has a door! LOL

We had this bahay kubo for more than 10 years now.  And the door (slightly damaged) was from my sister's store.  The door isn't even latched to the hut. . . dad just thought of putting the door there, haha.  I guess he would rather use it than see it lying around! 

As I've mentioned in my Belen post, my dad has a creative side.  When we were kids, we DIDN'T have a tree house.  But he made us a house using coconut leaves.  Oh and he fixed our toilet's flush using a paper clip! Yup, he's not just creative, he is the best handyman ever!  

And with this nipa hut. . . okay, so I guess my dad is just really being creative (again!). . . or FUNNY! 

Or he just simply wants to show his take on a modern bahay kubo. LOL

I love you Daddy . . .

Thank you for giving us not just a house but a happy home.